Relationships & Couples Therapy

Relationship: "The way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected."

Love: "A very strong feeling of liking and caring for somebody or something."

Intimacy: "The state of having a close personal relationship with somebody."

Esther Perel

Background: Esther Perel is a Belgian-American psychotherapist and author who has worked with couples for over 25 years across five continents. She is known for her books "Mating in Captivity" and "The State of Affairs," as well as her popular podcast "Where Should We Begin?" Perel brings a cross-cultural perspective to relationship therapy and is recognized as a leading voice on modern love and sexuality.

Definition of Couples/Relationship Counselling: Perel understands modern coupledom as a perpetual balancing act between our twin longings for security (love, belonging, predictability) and freedom (desire, mystery, exploration). When either pole is starved, intimacy or erotic vitality wilts.

• Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy—they must coexist for passion to thrive • Developed the concept of "erotic intelligence"—the capacity to cultivate novelty, vitality, curiosity, and playful distance inside committed bonds • Reframes infidelity as a crisis of identity rather than simply a crime to punish • Argues that reconciling the erotic and the domestic is a paradox to manage, not a problem to solve

Key Quote: "Love is a vessel that contains both security and adventure."

Terry Real

Background: Terry Real is an American family therapist and founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT). He has written several books including "I Don't Want to Talk About It" and "Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship." Real is known for his direct, no-nonsense approach to couples therapy and his work on healing toxic masculinity and patriarchal patterns in relationships.

Definition of Couples/Relationship Counselling: Real's Relational Life Therapy treats partnership as a relational ecosystem that flourishes only when both parties practice full-respect living—minute-to-minute behavior that never drops below basic respect.

• Full-respect living: commit to speak and act without contempt toward your partner—or yourself • Helps clients move from their "Adaptive Child" (old, trauma-wired defenses) to their "Wise Adult" state • Identifies the Five Losing Strategies—being right, controlling, unbridled self-expression, retaliation, withdrawal • Tackles patriarchy and "male relational dread," insisting intimacy requires equal worth and equal responsibility

Key Quote: "You can be right, or you can be married."

Dr. Orna Guralnik

Background: Dr. Orna Guralnik is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst based in New York. She became widely known through Showtime's documentary series "Couples Therapy," which follows her work with real couples. Guralnik combines psychoanalytic training with contemporary relationship therapy approaches, bringing both depth and accessibility to her practice.

Definition of Couples/Relationship Counselling: Guralnik views partners as mini political systems whose power plays conceal deeper vulnerabilities; therapy invites them to decode these dynamics and co-author new rules of engagement.

• Power struggles are often organized around gender, class, race or privilege and mask unspoken fears or shame • Keeps "the couple, not either individual," as the true patient • Teaches couples to watch their own "dance"—naming triggers, slowing escalation, and experimenting with alternative moves • Uses calm witnessing, gentle irreverence, and strategic silence to let patterns surface

Key Quote: "People really do want to do better—they want to transcend, they want to grow."

Juliet Grayson

Background: Juliet Grayson is a British relationship therapist and author of "Landscapes of the Heart." She is a pioneer of the Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor (PBSP) approach in the UK, combining body-based therapy with relationship work. Grayson has developed specialized approaches for working with emotional fusion and differentiation in couples.

Definition of Couples/Relationship Counselling: Grayson targets emotional fusion—the blurring of self-and-other that fuels reactivity—using body-based Pesso Boyden System Psychomotor (PBSP) work to restore healthy differentiation.

• Maps four fusion roles—Boss, Pleaser, Loner, Self-Developer—that couples cycle through under stress • Developed the Five-Star Conscious Relating model charting a developmental arc from co-dependence to genuine intimacy • Uses "structures" where clients enact corrective scenes, creating new somatic memories of nurture, protection, support and limits • Combines NLP, PBSP and sex-therapy tools in her approach

Key Quote: "It's called emotional fusion—when you're caught up in what the other person thinks or feels rather than your own feelings."

Summary

These four perspectives offer different lenses for understanding relationship dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Perel's approach focuses on the fundamental tension between security and freedom in modern relationships, emphasizing the need to maintain both connection and individual autonomy. Real's Relational Life Therapy takes a direct, behavioral approach that emphasizes respect, accountability, and moving beyond patriarchal patterns. Guralnik's psychoanalytic perspective views couples as complex systems where power dynamics mask deeper vulnerabilities, requiring careful observation and gradual pattern recognition. Grayson's body-based approach addresses emotional fusion through somatic interventions, helping couples develop healthy differentiation while maintaining intimacy. Together, these approaches suggest that effective couples therapy must address both the emotional and behavioral aspects of relationship patterns while honoring the complexity of modern partnership dynamics.